Hello hello lovelies,
It has been such a long time since we last spoke. . . I know I suck. I apologize. I’ve been going through some things and I just can’t get out of my head long enough to write anymore. It’s really sad honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m the only English major left in the world who almost never tries to write daily, who doesn’t force herself to continue practicing regardless of what I feel. It’s a dumb move though, practice makes perfect and I’m telling myself I can’t write if it’s not perfect. A never ending Mobius strip of a paradox I’ve twisted my brain into believing.
Anywho, today (for 50% of the world) and tomorrow (for the other 50% including me) mark the beginning of the Islamic holy month of Ramadan. I say both because Muslims clearly tend to hate agreeing on things, or something. I recently made a promise to myself and my friends on Facebook that I will be deactivating my profile for the month. This is a big deal I guess, since I’m clearly addicted and within reason – as a Communication major and intern for a major entertainment news show, social networking is kind of my life.
However, this decision is one that I’ve been letting simmer in the stew that is my thoughts for a long time now, and one I’m super excited about. There are many reasons I’ve been considering this huge step and here are a few:
1) Facebook is a huge distraction
I’ve been trying to write this very post since noon. It’s now 3 p.m. and I’m only halfway done. Know why? That’s right! Facebook. -_- I can easily kill 4 or 5 hours on Facebook, jumping from one post to another – one link to another, a new photo to see, video to watch, oh my god – Beyonce did what now? Oh, that is such a cute dress! That reminds me!! Does Love Culture have a sale now? Oh, she’s reading a new book . . . let me see if I can download it on my new Kindle, oh la la what is THAT.
You get the point. Facebook is one big treasure map of click-baits, and as a result I never get things I want to do, get done.
2) Facebook is pretty mindless
I find myself on the website for hours at a time, and when I’m finally off I don’t remember a single thing I’ve done. What was I even looking at? And when I am on, I tend to ignore my surroundings entirely. I’m the kind of person who loves to look for the tiniest cracks in the smoothest foundations, but give me Facebook and I’m most likely to walk into a wall and miss the giant raccoon rampaging the city.
3) I want to spend more time on things I love
You all know, I haven’t written in ages. As I was searching my computer for the file of HTML codes I use in this blog, I came across many, many poems I’ve started but never finished. I even found a great blog post 75% written, just not coded or posted. I can’t even remember when I started writing them, but I can tell you why I stopped. I looked to Facebook, for validation, got distracted and let it go.
Earlier this week, I interviewed for Sephora. As I got there, I started thinking about if I get to move forward in this interview I’d have to do a demo test. I definitely don’t have the confidence to believe I can walk in and do a perfect look on someone, and with good reason: It’s been SO long since I’ve sat down and practiced doing a full on makeup look. Much less to practice but not even for myself. Most days, I run out the door and manage to throw on some eyeliner during my commutes. I’ve gotten lazy, and my unwillingness has scared me into believing I don’t even like makeup or writing anymore. Too bad, those are the only skills I have now to launch a career in so I better get moving on those.
And the most important reason…
4) Facebook has a terrible impact on my mental health
So I’ve mentioned I spend hours on Facebook. And I’ve mentioned it makes me mindless, and it takes away from me doing things I love . . . but what exactly am I doing on Facebook for hours that it does all that? Stalking people.
Now this is a terribly difficult thing to say but I have a problem I am insanely insecure and Facebook fuels those insecurities – you know how I said I avoided this post for hours thanks to Facebook? I spent those hours reading several of my friend’s blogs and comparing myself to them. “Look at how many views they get, look at how supportive their other friends are, they’re so much more consistent, they know what they’re doing. I’ll never get there, my friends barely care, no one likes my posts, no one cares what I have to say. I shouldn’t even bother.” Over. And over. And over again and again.
And it’s not just about my writing – it’s about my passion for my makeup, my passion for feminism and equality and other political stances I take, and about my connection with God. Sometimes I forget my connection w/ Allah is ALLOWED to be different from others. It’s about my whole life. I spend hours telling myself I’m not good enough because other people are already good at it and I’m not like them. I spend hours feeling unworthy just because I didn’t get a single like or a comment. I let one little sarcastic comment on my statuses ruin my entire days at times. And then the next day? I don’t want to wake up and do it again. I take things personal.
And it has to stop here. This Ramadan, I want to re-train myself to remember that I define my worth, not validation from others. That a 0-1 code doesn’t mean I’m good or not. That someone else’s different success doesn’t take away from mine. And I say re-train myself because I used to know these things, and I want to know them again.
And that is why, along with food I will be fasting from Facebook. This is my new journey. Ramadan is a month of spirituality, empathy and compassion and I can’t truly have any of those things without a solid state of mental health. So here I embark on a new journey . . . a new journey to finding an ideal state of mind, to regaining my confidence, my passions, my will to exist. And I’d love for you to all join in and follow me.
As usual my lovies – any thoughts, advice, stories of your own similar journies? Comment below! Like the post, follow the blog and you can catch me on Instagram @shadesofopinion or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and check back tomorrow for a new post on the first fast of Ramadan!